bound umf upward

Iapos;m very happy that itapos;s Saturday.

Man, it seemed like it was the longest week and not only that...but the weirdest. I was very stressed out and pissed off this week over 2 issues. I wonapos;t go into any great details but letapos;s just say that I was put in a very awkward position and felt like I was being thrown to the wolves on one situation and I really didnapos;t appreciate that. Iapos;ve learned my lesson with that one. The other situation I just wish the school/county would replace her as middle school dept. Chair. What a pain in the butt she is And the rest of the week--I was making mistakes left and right with paperwork

One of my colleagues says that even though thereapos;s no scientific evidence but there was a full moon this week and it just does something to people. She went through a stressed and tense week herself. And sheapos;s right---we had a full moon Tuesday and a weird orange full moon on Wednesday. Another colleague said that her week hasnapos;t been right at all since Monday, the 13th, the day that the discombobulation started

Itapos;s suppose to be in the high 50s to low 60s this weekend and it feels like it. Iapos;ve been so ready for the cold weather Iapos;ve decided that itapos;s gonna be a "chilli" day today
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So i thought i would share this because, well, thatapos;s why i have this journal.

before i broke up with jordan, i was really trying to be a better person (especially around him). I bought tons of self-help books for me to read, book CDs to listen to on the way to school, and a workbook for me to focus on love and respect. All this arrived at my house on tuesday (the day after i broke up with Jordan).
also, i bought the new martha stewart weddings magazine last week. I scanned a few pictures and added it to my growing collection of cute wedding images on my computer. I even looked on target.com the day before monday. I saw that they had a $90 isaac mizrahi wedding dress

so i keep going through my thoughts about how monday went by. It is such a quick and drastic change to go from one end of the spectrum to the other. I am so frustrated because it only took one thing to break us up. There was ONLY one reason (and i wonapos;t say it, sorry). Before monday, i was willing to make everything work all the time. Just like any marriage should be. Til death do you part. I never thought about breaking up with Jordan once before monday. There was something about him that made me stick by him through everything we went through. I canapos;t explain it. It was something more powerful than love. Everyone has differences and disagreements, but with him it was easy for me to get through/past things compared to other people in their relationships.


itapos;s weird that iapos;m thinking this all out on here. I never really confront my feelings. So i finally am on here for you all what a treat haha iapos;m a nerd.


so my head was in another place tonight and i left all of my camera equipment in my 5pm classroom. That means i have to drive to school again tomorrow to get it from security. Iapos;ve been pretty together minus a few random moments this week. Iapos;ve been with a good friend everyday this week and everyone has been so encouraging and able to make me feel loved. I have been praying so hard for Jordanapos;s heart and for me to focus on school.

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I love having alone time, but at the same time I hate it because then Iapos;m just alone with my thoughts. They attack me, those intense thoughts of mine. I am my own worst enemy. I take a shower and wash my body quickly so that I can get out , turn on the television and attempt to escape any argument that I am having with myself in my mind. I get out and check my phone. Why? Why do I ever check my cell phone? No one calls or texts me. Now that heapos;s gone, my phone is always alone. Just like I am. And heapos;s alone now too. I lotion up my body because my mother told me itapos;s always good to do that when you get out of the shower. I then decide that I need�to do something�productive. I go on the computer. Fuck. Definitely not productive. I google images to get ideas for a background of a piece that I am currently working on. Good, thatapos;s more productive. Iapos;m finally on the right track. I get inspired out of nowhere and want to write in my journal. Bad. Now Iapos;m just distracted. I google "bowling" because I am drawing bowling shoes. (My AP concentration is shoes.) Images of Wii characters and games come up. Now I am thinking about how Wii is awesome. I wish I had it. I wish I had motivation, as well. Or an old fashioned feather with a bottle of ink to write letters. Thatapos;s be even cooler.

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Lunch today with Mike at NI - delicious chicken wrap. Theyapos;ve gotten rid of all the styrofoam in the cafeteria. We talked about video games with some of his coworkers. Stopped at HEB to buy more coconut, as yesterdayapos;s coconut macaroons are almost devoured.

WoW update not playing nice with my computer. Epic fail.

Racheline and Patty were robbed. Scary. Yet another thing happening to my friends that I canapos;t do anything about it seems.

Bad dreams made it hard to sleep. At least it is cool outside, so I can turn off the AC and open the windows.
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Yesterday in my sleep, in my linen sheets and lumpy pillows I made such fine metaphors. I smiled with my arms above me tracing my mosquito net. In my dream we were playing kickball, in my dream we ate oranges with all our friends and he came up behind me and kissed my ear in front of everybody. Kickball was fun but I woke up so tired.

Africa is still Africa. Yesterday I got a dress made in the market and dropped my doughnut in the dirt watching a cluster of men take photos of a boda accident in the roundabout. "Letapos;s walk home," says Kelsey, whoapos;s eying the accident with apprehension. We walked there in the rain, we walked home in the sunshine.

I came home and read essays on my computer. This quote I liked best:

Sometimes it feels like relationships are these movies I somehow manage to sneak into, but two-thirds of the way into the show the usher comes around with his flashlight and I get busted and tossed out. The worst part is that before the management heaves me through the fire exit, they empty my pockets of every last penny I have. And maybe here is the only good part of any of this: and that is, dear Clarissa, the realization that whether I pay up front or on the way out, or even if I have to ante up both entering and exiting the theater lobby; even with the tax and surcharge and sticky floor and lousy seats; whatever the price, I keep doing it, you know, because I really would like to see one of these things all the way through to one of those happy endings Iapos;ve heard so much about.
- Dennis

Nothing feels all that scary anymore. I know things are scary, but I feel capable of almost anything right now. Or at least adjusting to any condition. I keep my eyes out, my heart up, and my mind clear. Actually the only thing Iapos;m scared of is missing the story, missing the scene. I mean I think ahead to the transition home and yes it may be strange and difficult, but that doesnapos;t mean I have to get fearful or fall apart. Iapos;m kinda sick of that, but itapos;s a bad habit. Your mind is a powerful thing and you can pretty much do anything with your thoughts. They become your actions.

For Ashley, who asked. I think of you everyday too. I know how much you loved Africa when you were here. Iapos;m enjoying every second of it and absorbing everything I see. What a wild, strange land. Iapos;m terrified and exhilarated and positively alive here. "Lust for comfort suffocates the soul," Bjork says that and itapos;s so true. I know it for myself. You have to help me when I come home because I will be so heartbroken, and I will try not to be, but I know it will happen inevitably.

Oh almost every M.I.A. Song makes ten times more sense. Like, I was passing a school the other day and little kids were learning how to say "Ba-na-na". And then in Bird Flu that rooster and hen clucking are the sounds I wake up to everyday. Itapos;s like living inside that album and it kicks ass.

love you, AD

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I went to a noon hour concert today put on by a downtown church close to my office. The concerts are in the basement and the free series features various (mostly) classical performers from the Edmonton Musiciansapos; Association. This year is the thirtieth season of the concert series.

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I sat in the back, and at some point as the harp lulled me into peaceful contemplation I realized as I looked at the back of the heads in front of me that I was seeing�a lot of long grey hair mdash; a lot of long stylishly cut�grey hair.

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I was in Boomersville. (No relation to *Boomtown* although this is Alberta)

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Yup. The place was full of boomers, swaying to the celtic sounds. It was also full of their parents mdash; the people who still strive for good posture and good manners. I could only spot one other person who looked with certainty to be under fifty.

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I felt a sudden wave of goodwill towards these boomers and their parents. (Which I havenapos;t always,�being someone who has lived in the vacuum of their wake) It was the boomers who created the many�music and arts�fests that liven up our summers every year. At least here in Edmonton, it is the boomers who volunteer at many different arts�events. They stand up for human rights and want new Canadians to feel at home. They embrace a multicultural Canada and try in their own way to�broaden their kidsapos; horizons. They�take the family�to authentic�ethnic restaurants and encourage their children�to volunteer at the museums and concert halls. They stand up for heritage buildings that are getting the knock to make way for new stucco condos. In other words, they are trying to make a difference. Still.

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And, I realized with a catch, they are getting old. Just look at all this grey hair. Some of it with a burgundy dye job, some of it cleverly cut to show off hand-made dangly silver earrings. Some of it sitting on shoulders wrapped in chunky wool sweaters. Some of it�receding and some of it gone.

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The tempo is beginning to slow. The light is getting thinner out there.

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Whoapos;s going to come after them and keep it all going?�Maybe their kids. I just donapos;t know.

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Itapos;s been quite a while so I thought Iapos;d write something.

I do actually like writing when I can get away from feeling self-conscious.

Itapos;s amazing. Iapos;m almost out of food that I can eat this week. If I donapos;t end up braving Walmart during the most chaotic (non-early morning) hours then I donapos;t know what Iapos;ll do. I have a few crackers, a bunch of raisins, and a significant amount of leftover spaghetti that I made while in a really bad mood but is now tasting more and more tolerable as hunger and desperation increase.

I just donapos;t want to go to Walmart and have it take five hours...five hours I do not have....
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